


I Loved You First

by neolouis



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Hidden Feelings, Jealous Harry, Jealous Louis, M/M, Sad Harry, basically I think larry is real no matter what, complicated situation, just read it, larry in denial, larry is real, sadder louis, this is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-02
Updated: 2015-02-02
Packaged: 2018-03-10 04:24:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3276632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neolouis/pseuds/neolouis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even if Larry isn't real, Larry is real.</p><p>(set at late 2012 - early 2013)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Loved You First

**Author's Note:**

> hi again it's me. before you read this story I want to let you know that I don't ever ship haylor. they are as fake as elouno to me. but anyway someone has asked me if I ever think larry is in fact not together so I've written this story as an answer to that. and bear in mind that this is a fic and I do change some known events except for the fact that larry is real but anyway

It wasn't supposed to turn like this. Was it the fans' fault? Or was it the management's? Harry didn't know. But every time it crossed his mind, his hands would reach for his hair, tormenting his scalp as if it would help him forget. It wasn't like it ever left his thoughts anyway, Harry was troubled. Harry was depressed. Worse even, Harry was very much in love with that lad.  
  
Need there be a question to whom that lad was? The whole world knew about his famous rumoured relationship with the man with the sharp tongue. Did he even have to mention how close they were before all this? Did he want to? Harry missed him. Yes, he missed him. All he wanted to do was hold his hand again like he used to. All he wanted was for that lad to brush his cheeks with his hands like he used to in public. And what's sad was that he didn't realise he never appreciated it just as a friend. No, he fell for him from the start, from when Louis told him he was beautiful and the world would all fall for him.   
  
It was all fun and games until it happened. When she happened.  
  
'Harry, alright?' Niall asked, taking a seat next to the man with the bottle.   
  
'Yeah, sure.' What else would he say? That he was miserable, wondering what they were doing right now?  
  
'Come on, mate. You're not. You want to talk about it?' it was Zayn now calling the empty seat to Harry's left.  
  
'No!' Harry shouted. His mind was spinning at the memories of him with the smaller man mixed with a girl, holding him, touching him. The image of him looking at her lips - one he saw in the social network - fell right on the top of his head and his breath stopped short. He tried inhaling but ended up choking on his beer, and he sobbed after, his tears dry.   
  
At this point, Zayn shifted forward, patting Harry's back as Niall did. 'Harry, snap out of it! You have to talk to him about this,' Zayn pressed.  
  
'Why does he leave me hanging, Ni?' Harry was giggling when he turned to the blonde man on his right, hiccups followed his way. 'Why does he look at me that way but make fun of the fact that he and I...'  
  
Niall frowned at the change on the drunken's face. He sighed when Harry poked his head on his chest and he felt his tears soak through his shirt. 'Are meant to be,' he whispered sadly. His hand reached for Zayn's arm which in turn took a cellphone from his pocket and dialled a number before he turned and walked to the corner of the bar, away from Harry's senses.  
  
At the other end of the line, a greasy voice called, pouring clouds of smokes out of his mouth. He sighed not knowing who would call at the hour. He stuck his forehead to the crossed arms on the bar in his apartment, one hand clipping a cigarette, the other hanging on the phone. No one was in the room, but he didn't want to risk his depressed face to anyone. He was fine, and everyone should know that.  
  
'Fuck denial, man. Come and snap some sense into the child's mind. He's messed up, he's a mess. So suck it up and come here you idiot. Neither of you can play this game anymore.' It's funny; Zayn's harsh tone always came gentler than he meant it.   
  
Louis snickered at the curses as he sipped on the end of the cigarette. His lips neared the microphone later. 'Fuck off, bro.' And just like that, call ended.  
  
I loved you first.  
  
Why did it turn like this? He wasn't supposed to fall in love with his best friend. Or did he fall right when he met those green eyes for the first time? He couldn't be sure. Louis was confused as hell. He didn't feel the fire when he clutched the cigarette into a ball, his palm as a sacrificial dimmer. With the same hand he tugged on his hair, hoping he could find answers at the end of it. But it was always the same outcome. It was always the same thoughts, the same feelings.  
  
He was madly in love with Harry.  
  
It was the only explanation to his behaviour the whole day. During the interview, when he dissed Liam's playful gesture to which he always responded with the same manner. He wasn't himself the whole interview, just spacing out the whole time, reccuringly turning his head over his shoulder to see the curly head, and smiling forcefully when he caught him. He didn't realize when the words came out of his mouth, when he said 'I loved you first' to himself, he didn't realize the awkward atmosphere that followed after. His mind was fully occupied by a certain blonde who was far more beautiful than he was, and she would soon get to touch the man he loved.  
  
And it was true, he loved him first.  
  
It's a fucking lie.  
  
'Why did he say that, Ni?' a chuckle followed Harry's words against Niall's shirt. 'Why was he acting that way if he doesn't feel the same way? He's happy with that girl, why can't I be with someone else?'  
  
'Come on, man. Snap out of it. Do you want me to take you home, or do you want to talk about what happened today?' Niall asked, pushing his friend gently off his chest to see him in the eye and make sure he was even at the least sober.  
  
A hiccup came, and then a smile. And the curly head was out. His weight pushed Niall slightly backwards before he managed his balance and Zayn appeared to help him.  
  
'Where's the other idiot?' Niall asked, more worried than he was upset.  
  
'At the apartment, doing equally stupid activity.'  
  
'And who taught him to do that, genius?' Niall rolled his eyes at the dark haired as they struggled to take each of Harry's arm over their shoulders.   
  
'Hey, I have my lapses,' Zayn muttered.  
  
'Shut up and focus. It seems like I'm the only healthy one in the band,' Niall complained.  
  
A few slow steps further, the three arrived at the back door, passing by a few other drunkards by the bins, some flirting, some lonely ones throwing up on one of the smallest garbage bins. Zayn had dug into his pocket for his car key when they approached the parking lot. A beep echoed through the darkness and Niall opened the door and gave way for Zayn to push Harry gently into the backseat. They watched as the young man snuggled into the leather seat, lips pouting and forming the name they heard him call the whole day.  
  
'Do you think he could face him after all this?' Niall asked, sighing.  
  
'Well, it's not the first time. Last time when Calder came, this happened, but they seemed to work it all out by themselves. If the France interview was an act I'm surprised they don't audition for Days of Our Lives.'  
  
Niall nodded and patted Zayn on the back when he headed to the driver's seat. He understood what Zayn was trying to say, though. The first time Eleanor made her appearance, Louis and Harry had a spat in their meeting when Louis decided to laugh at the fact that people think their relationship was real and Louis couldn't possibly date a girl because he was gay. Harry was openly bisexual with the group and to have one of them make fun of that state might offend him too much that Harry had expressed his opinions at the table.   
  
'Why are you letting these rumours bother you if they're not true? Why are you so-'  
  
'Don't flatter yourself, Harold! I don't have any fucking feelings for you. You may be gay, but I'm fucking not. I don't care about those stupid rumours, these idiots do! But you know what? Give me the fucking girl for all I care!'  
  
It was the least Niall could hear through the door, and he didn't know what Harry could possibly say to make Louis slam the door right after.  
  
'Nialler,' Zayn called when he rolled his window down to which Niall leaned shortly. 'Do you think they'd admit it soon? Is it our fault not throwing the truth at them?'  
  
'I don't know, Zayn. But at the moment, we'll just have to keep them safe.'  
  
Just at the moment, Harry mumbled in his dreams, scratching the seat with his nails. A small smile slowly formed on his face.  
  
'I'm sorry.'  
  
'Harry.'  
  
'Hey, you know I didn't mean it, Harry.'  
  
'I actually admire your bravery to admit it. If anything, I'm the joke.'  
  
'So forgive me, okay?'  
  
xxx  
  
The next morning Harry woke up his head was spinning still, blurry grey covered his sight before his mind processed the sunlight coming through the window. He moaned at the throbbing inside his head, his hand reached for the alarm clock which fell off the side table.    
  
'Damn it all,' he mumbled.  
  
'Good morning,' it was Louis' voice at the door. 'How are you feeling, Haz?'  
  
The roommate didn't even have to knock on the door as they shared the bedroom. They even shared the same bed, which seemed to be a big deal to other people. It was normal for them; they were really close, there shouldn't be any weirdness if they had been bestfriends for two years. Although it did feel like an eternity.  
  
Harry pushed himself up, embarrassed by his state. He'd fixed his fringes when Louis set breakfast on his lap and settled next to him. 'Hey, morning,' he cleared his throat. 'You were here? I thought you were with-'   
  
He didn't want to say it.  
  
'Uh, yeah. I wasn't feeling like it,' Louis muttered. 'And you? Why were you drunk last night? You're barely legal.' It was a dry laugh following his words, and Harry wished Louis would explain that.  
  
'Nothing. Just felt like it.'  
  
'Eat up,' Louis said, patting on the bread, 'I made it for you.'  
  
Louis smiled silently watching Harry's dimples show as he chuckled. It was all that he needed after all the drama that befell them the past few days.  
  
'There's nothing to be proud of if all you did was dip it into butter,' Harry said. 'It's not even chicken wrapped in parma ham.'  
  
Soft laughters filled the room. Their eyes met for a few moments, and they smiled into each other's eyes. Why did he feel the same thing he felt the first time they met? Could Louis be feeling it, too? Or it had always been him on the one side? Louis broke their eye contact as he took the bread in his fingers and started pinching it into small bits. He didn't know why he felt he needed to do this, as if Harry was a small kitten. Louis loved baby animals. When he reached a hand out to feed him, Harry couldn't say no so he parted his lips and welcomed the sweetness of the bakery, pushing his head slightly so his tongue reached Louis' finger as if it was accidental.  
  
'Hey!' Louis scolded, wiping his hand, but Harry noticed the red spots form on his face.  
  
'You were aiming for jam?' Harry chuckled.  
  
'Yeah.'  
  
It was silence then when Harry chewed on the bread and Louis watched him carefully. The pang was still in his heart from yesterday. He wanted to ask him about it, but the atmosphere seemed to be enlightened in the brightness of the room. And he really didn't want Harry to go wasted again, it took all of him last night not to leave the apartment and drive to the bar. He was worried. But Louis would never admit to that, would he? Not when he was being straight now his girlfriend was at town.   
  
'Loved You First, Lou.'  
  
The three words were enough to make Louis jump slightly and his heart beat faster.  
  
'What?' Louis asked, his cheeks reddened.  
  
'The song's name is Loved You First,' Harry said quietly, his frown returned as he poked the plushness of the bread before him. 'Why did you say I Loved You First, Lou?'  
  
'Oh,' Louis swallowed. 'I didn't realise I said that, Harry. Why are you making a big deal out of this?' He chuckled lowly.  
  
'Louis, you hadn't been smiling all day yesterday since the team-'  
  
'Don't flatter yourself, Haz. Here you go again!' Louis stood up, ruffling his hair, 'Why do you always think I care about your relationships? I don't have feelings for you, you have to accept that. I'm in love with my girlfriend.'   
  
Two hearts received the same pain, one head fell. Harry's breath was caught in his throat, and tears started forming in his eyes. It was the meeting room all over again, only now Louis didn't leave. He never meant to hurt Harry, and the last time he slammed the door at his face, he regretted it. Harry meant so much to him, and he never wanted to hurt him. Seeing him look down, Louis took a step forward and stopped at his track.  
  
Why would Harry care anyway? Why would those words hurt him? It wasn't like Harry felt the same way about him. Louis was madly in love with him, and Harry was just his admirer. Sure, Harry always showed his jealousy when Louis gave his attention to someone else, like he needed to be taken care by someone older, like Louis himself. Sure, Harry said his first crush was Louis Tomlinson, and Louis had went along with it, playing with his curls and pulling him into a hug. But Harry wouldn't look at him that way. He never told him he had feelings for him, ever. Harry saw him as a brother, and that was a dead end. So why would his words affect him?   
  
And he was right.   
  
When he saw Harry look up and smile, he swallowed. 'Calm down, Lou. I didn't say anything about feelings. I was just wondering why you were being cold all day,' he muttered.   
  
'It's none of your business,' Louis cleared his throat.   
  
'Yeah...' Harry sighed, forcing a smile. 'I guess I do have to mind my own business from now. You're going with her today?'  
  
Her. It's always Eleanor. Harry never wanted to be around her and every time Louis brought it up, Harry would tell him nothing. Just a smile and shake of his head before they carried on to the next topic.   
  
'Yes.' Did he care if he was?  
  
Harry nodded. 'Figured.'  
  
'It's not like you're going to hang out with me, you have a new girlfriend. A blondie. The attention seeker. Nice. Perfect for the media,' Louis hissed, his lips pressed into his cheek. 'We're on the same boat now, innit?'  
  
'Yeah, but you know the difference?' Harry had set his breakfast to his side as he scooted to the side, putting his shirt on as he stood up. 'Only one enjoys the bullshit.'  
  
The blue eyes widened at the comment, and his whole body froze when he heard the click on the door. What did Harry mean by that? The warmth of his breath was still tingling on his ear, and he wondered if Harry was upset, or if he was being a jerk. Did he really think Louis enjoyed Eleanor's company? Some time along the way, when Eleanor made jokes or whispered her comments into his ear, he appreciated it. But he did not look forward to spending time with her. And even if he did, why would Harry be upset about it? Or did Harry really mean he was going to enjoy this set-up? The fact that he got to date a beautiful blonde who had a clean image covering her whole being? Yes, perhaps that. They fit each other so well. Of course Harry meant it that way. Harry was just being the jerk he was, knowing what hurt the older man, knowing how miserable he was... knowing that he would never win his heart.  
  
Only Louis knew Harry wasn't one. Harry was an innocent child, and if Louis wasn't by his side, he'd be lost in the media. Louis could never let anyone hurt him, Harry could barely hurt anyone to defend himself. He was a gentle soul, and Louis would protect that soul with all he had. Maybe Harry didn't know how he felt. Even if he did, Louis would try to cover it. Because face it, even if Harry did feel the same way about him (which was impossible) he couldn't make him happy. The management was already freaked by the rumours of their relationship, imagine what would happen if they were true?   
  
Perhaps Harry thought Louis did enjoy Eleanor's company, and he wouldn't enjoy the new girl's? Maybe. After all, everyone knew Louis was in love with that girl. And maybe Harry's tone wasn't as dark as he thought it was.  
  
The rest of the day went slower than ever. After he took a shower, put on his sweater, put on a beanie, took the keys and fetched his girlfriend, they walked to the nearest restaurant. All the while Louis was in his own thoughts; he hadn't realised the voice that kept calling him until it gave up. No, Harry just wouldn't leave his mind. If only he didn't leave him with such confusing remark. Though, if he hadn't, Louis would still be bothered about the fact that the two of them were having separate dates. He'd stared out of space, his eyes wandering from end to end, building to building, sky to earth, but he hadn't noticed anything for the day.  
  
Eleanor was probably bored of this now, as much as Louis was sick of it. She didn't even try to hold his hand when they saw the paparazzi came with their cameras. Of course, when he hung out with Harry, the cameras were all shitty, now just when he spent the time with Eleanor, the HQs spread. It wasn't as if Louis wanted the rumours about him and his best friend to continue for another 2 years. Although such thing would never affect their friendship; hell no, Louis wasn't going to let that crap ruin it. He was his best friend, something like that wouldn't ever wreck their friendship. At least not when he convinced himself he did not have feelings for his pal. It was just that, maybe he wanted them to continue, no matter how uncomfortable some of the fans made them feel. It made him believe that at least, some people thought they were a perfect match. At least, some people believed he wasn't far off Harry's league that he was.  
  
'Is it true?'   
  
Harry snapped out of his thoughts when he heard the musical tone and felt the softness of Taylor's skin on his. His reflex pulled his arm and he pushed his hair back at it.  
  
'What?' he forced a small laugh, 'The contract says you can't ask me that question, Taylor.' He pointed his index finger at her. 'I'll tell them to cut your half.'  
  
'Hey,' Taylor elbowed him lightly, 'I was just curious. I mean, if it isn't, why are we having this date or why is it written in that paper that we shouldn't discuss it? And if it is, I won't judge, you know.'  
  
'Well, I can't answer that even if I wanted to. It seems like a one-sided love story,' Harry muttered.  
  
'On whose part?'  
  
Harry stopped at the middle of the venue, turning to look at the girl in the eyes. People passed by and not one noticed their presence. 'You really are curious aren't you, Miss Swift?' He chuckled when Taylor nodded, her golden waves shook and her blue eyes shone in hope. The statement was left as it was as Harry turned his heels back to their initial direction, Taylor tagging short after.  
  
'I'm just saying that if it wasn't on your part, maybe,' Taylor didn't struggle to keep up since she was almost at his height, 'this could be a real date.'  
  
'Oh, it isn't?' It was sarcasm and by the soft laugh that escaped her mouth, Harry was sure she got it.  
  
'I could try to win your heart,' Taylor smiled, 'I mean if it isn't taken already.'  
  
Because face it, it would be in vain if he was gay.  
  
Harry turned his head to her, expressionless, before he ran his thoughts and smiled. 'I'd like to see that.'  
  
They shared a silent gaze, and Taylor bit her lip. 'Maybe this could turn out so right.'  
  
'You really are the queen of fairytale, as they say,' Harry teased.  
  
'You could be the king.'  
  
'We'll see.'  
  
They had laughed at their own conversation before Harry noticed the few people with cameras directed at them. He'd nudged her about the expected attention. A curse escaped Taylor's lips and she looked around in a cautious act as if they were worried they'd get caught. Ironic when they were told that this date was supposed to be exposed. Words would spread and Harry somehow admired the fact that Taylor was willing to risk her fame for hate. She was probably too nice to reject the offer so while at it, it wouldn't hurt to try their chemistry. And she seemed to fail to notice the slowly increasing distance between them and how Harry didn't offer to cover her in his arm. Harry just didn't want to. Last time he did, Louis made him feel bad about himself.  
  
There he went again, Louis in his mind, and there he stayed for the rest of the day. He was there when they went eating. He was there when they talked. He was there when he dropped Taylor off at her apartment. Louis was there in his mind wherever he went, much more in his heart. By the time night came, after spending his time alone with a troubled mind, he went back to the apartment they shared, opened the door to be welcomed by his face. That man in the back of his head, the one who couldn't quite shut up when he tried to speak to the girl who could change his life, now was real in front of him, sad faced, looking at the empty countertop. He closed the door behind him and greeted Louis a fake happy hello.  
  
'Hey.' He looked sick. He sounded tired. Did Louis catch a cold?  
  
'Are you alright?' Harry asked, rushing to rest his palm against Louis' back. Louis sat straight at the touch in attempt to push his hand away, but Louis was tired. He was fucking tired of the screaming in his head, the pounding in his heart. Eleanor was getting sick of it, too, it seemed, that she told him to drop him off at Max's.  
  
Louis chuckled nervously. 'I'm alright. Alright? How was the date? You sound happy.' Did he really?  
  
'T'was okay. She's really nice.'  
  
It was like a stab in Louis' heart. 'Good. Then she's your perfect match.'  
  
'You're nice too, Lou.' Harry was at the opposite side of the counter, offering his mate a glass of water.  
  
'You have to stop that,' Louis chuckled, 'that's what got us into this mess last time.'  
  
'What?' Harry was genuinely confused but he maintained the smile on his face.  
  
'That. How you find a way to make me have the quality you like in a girl. Like you did with Caroline. If you like this girl, you like her. You don't have to feel guilty for making me fall behind their rank. You can never settle down if you keep comparing them to me.' Louis' smile was bitter now.  
  
Harry leaned against the counter so he was facing the smaller guy. 'But I'm not. It's true. You're very important to me. You'll always be at the top and no one can cross you.' Their eyes met again, and again, when he saw the tears form in the blue eyes, Harry wished Louis would tell him what he wanted to hear. The feelings he thought he and Louis shared, and even if there was this tiny chance it could happen, Harry wanted to have it. He saw how Louis swallowed when he slowly neared him. And how he wished Louis would stay and not carelessly pinch his cheeks with his fingers like Harry was a 3 year old.  
  
'Aww, Harry!' Louis said, playing with Harry's curls before he leaned forward and whispered, 'You, too. I'll never leave you.'  
  
Although those touches, those caring gestures were what Harry was looking forward to everyday, at times like this, they hurt. Louis never took his words seriously; he could shout to the whole world how much Louis meant to him and Louis would laugh it off and say the same for him with a tone that a brother uses to spoil his little sister. No, Harry had lost count on how many times he had confessed his deepest feelings to the man but Louis always saw it in different ways, never the way it actually was. It made him feel stupid.   
  
When Louis stood up from the stool and went for the sofa, Harry had asked how his day turned out. He could fool the young one when he said he had serious fun and that the paps pissed him off even though the pictures Harry had seen all over the internet was of Louis staring elsewhere, being a few inches away from his girlfriend. Pretty much the same as his with Taylor's. Yet his day went better than expected, so he figured Louis enjoyed his, too, off camera. And just so he wouldn't have to listen to the lovey dovey crap, Harry excused himself to turn in for the night.  
  
He never saw Louis cry to sleep into the corner of the cold sofa, the tears dried when he caught Louis dig his face into the pillow.  
  
xxx  
  
Night fell when Louis got out of the bathroom wearing his shorts and white T and he was met with another pair of blue eyes. It wasn't like he wasn't used to it. It'd been more than a month since his living nightmare 'Haylor' started and it might've been too late for him to complain about her recurring visits to their apartment. After all, he'd prefer it slightly more than having to suffer a lonely night wondering what Harry could be doing with her at her place. She never tried to get rid of him since Harry made it clear that Louis was his best friend in the entire world and she had no right to send him off just so they could spend some alone time together.  
  
'Hungry?' she asked, holding a pan of cake on her hand.  
  
Taylor was trying too hard to please the man as he seemed to not like her presence.  
  
'It's breakfast menu, sweetheart,' Louis said nevertheless took a small piece into his mouth. 'And it's really weird to wait for a man while he's taking a wee.'  
  
'Yeah, he's weird about that, Tay,' Harry giggled and it took all his pride for Louis not to throw up at the nickname though Harry was very careful not to sound mushy.  
  
'You want to join us watch the latest-'  
  
'No,' Louis immediately cut Taylor off, knowing he couldn't possibly spend another second around her. She was too nice it sickened him. It sickened him how impossible it would be for Harry not to fall for that sweetness. 'I mean I've got plans... in the kitchen.'  
  
'You?' Harry said and his lips pursed into a smiley pout, Taylor held her laughter as she saw this and took a bite of her own cake.  
  
'Yes, me. And in case you can't remember, I made a delicious chicken the first time I ever cooked,' Louis said, rolling his eyes as he caught a stainless steel from the series of knives and earning a small 'careful' from his roommate.  
  
'Ooh, what was that?' Taylor asked, excited.  
  
'It's chicken, stuffed with mozzarella wrapped in parma ham, with a side of homemade mash,' Louis cooed and smiled proudly at Harry's mirroring gesture to his of how he rolled the ham.  
  
'Sounds fancy. Must be for someone special,' Taylor muttered before she set the food on the table, completely missing the awkward stare Harry was giving Louis. 'Well, I'm going to the restroom for a while. Be back, sweetie,' she had planted a kiss on Harry's cheek, which Louis tried so hard to ignore but only in vain.   
  
The door to the bathroom clicked and Louis sighed. He didn't even realise he'd stopped breathing ever since she came.  
  
'I thought you promised to give her a chance,' Harry said once he saw Louis roll his eyes secretly.  
  
'Well, I did but it is what it is, Haz. There's something about her that bugs me and you can't force me to like her when I can't. And it's not like you can stand being in the same room as Eleanor for more than a minute,' Louis was complaining and Harry was a bit relieved that Louis couldn't like Taylor. At least that showed that it was normal for him to feel awkward around Louis' girlfriend. 'And for what's worth, I'm sorry that I ever tried to bring her over.'  
  
'Yeah, how's it going with her, actually?'   
  
Harry didn't want to know but he had to act natural and asking his bestfriend about his love life seemed like it.  
  
'Not much.' Louis had avoided the green eyes again. 'What were you doing at Swift's last night?'  
  
'Last name, really, Lou?' Harry chuckled, 'Nothing. We played paper planes and joked and one thing led to another-'  
  
'Whoa, easy. I didn't ask for details!' It was a forced joke and Louis regretted it the moment he said it.  
  
Harry shook his head. 'No, no. It wasn't anything like that. We talked about things, her indecisive ex specifically. We ended up sharing words, made lyrics. She insisted crediting me but that would be a strange topic in the media, the Boyfriend Helping Out the Girlfriend Write a Song About Her Ex. She gave up.' He was laughing but Louis couldn't seem to find the humour in it and his heart was in pain. The thought of her made him smile, and he needn't Louis for it. It should be Louis. It had always been Louis.  
  
'Glad you had fun.'  
  
Harry smiled at his friend, nodding. If Louis could go out, holding and kissing some girl, why couldn't Harry? And Taylor was a sweet girl despite her constant need of attention. None of the bandmates really liked her, though, and Harry wouldn't say he's far from their place. Niall, especially always found a way to make jokes out of everything and Harry couldn't help but laugh and agree. Perhaps it felt nice being in a relationship because he could get back at Louis for giving him pain all this time. He wouldn't know how effective it was, he wouldn't know how hurt Louis was since Taylor came and questions were directed at him as if them spending time together wasn't enough to make him feel the worst.   
  
'Eleanor made this joke, that-'   
  
A pathetic move it was that Louis did, and Harry was relieved that Taylor joined them before Louis could finish his story. He never wanted to listen to any of that bullshit. Whatever Eleanor said to Louis, Harry didn't want to hear. And his pride linked his and Taylor's fingers together as he faked a smile and excused themselves, worried they might be late.   
  
The door was shut before him and Louis' first move was to throw all the utensils on the counter onto the floor, creating cling and clang sounds all over the room. Louis was possessive, he was jealous; how much he wanted to pull Harry away from those potentially suitable to be his partner, how much he wanted to shout at his bestfriend and tell him how crazy he was about him. Tears streamed down his face a second after the chaos, and he struggled to catch his breath. It wasn't the cut by the fallen knife that caused it. No, it was so much more. It was the love of his life poking an invisible shattered glass in his heart.   
  
He was gasping, but no one could hear him. His whole body shivered at the sudden cold and it was normal for him to find drugs at the back of the fridge, and cigarettes which Harry had told him not to have in their space. But Harry wasn't here now, was he? No, he left with that girl who made him laugh. He left with the freaking girl who made him shop with her family. They would build a family of their own and Louis would be left heartbroken for the rest of his life, living a lie, loving a woman he couldn't love. And Harry would be happy.  
  
His eyes were red at the third tablet, his sense was suffocating when he carried on to the second weed he had that night. One he had for the third time in his life. Maybe this way he could see Harry everywhere. As it did the last time. Louis loved him so much why couldn't Harry feel the same way? But doing this alone was lonely. He had pressed on his phone, attempting to call Zayn, his weed friend and he managed with the cloudy vision trying to prevent it.  
  
'Yooo, Zayyyn...' he sang.  
  
'The fuck, Lou? Are you high?'  
  
'Yeaaah, I could join the Winx Club baby!' He shuffled his feet, laughing and laughing.  
  
'Dude, your gay is clear as new.'  
  
'I'm gay, you gay. You know who's not?' One hand was on his phone, the other in a fist before his index finger escaped and he pointed at the black screen in front of him. 'Harry's not. He said he is but he's a fucking liar. He's fucking Miss Nicie Nicie with the bootie baby.'  
  
'That's it. I'm coming over.'  
  
xxx  
  
'You just had to learn this stuff, didn't you?'  
  
If Niall wasn't there, it had to be him who was lecturing the black-haired. It turned out that he dialled Liam and Liam wasn't going to let Zayn off when it was him who introduced the unhealthy stuff to Louis. Never mind the man who were stomping his feet on the floor repeatedly while laughing at nothing, Liam was still going to scold Zayn for it.   
  
'Look, he's at this state and you're focusing on me?'  
  
'He wouldn't be in this situation if you didn't bring him along in your dirty activity!'  
  
'He's in this state because he's scared of his own feelings and you know it Liam!'  
  
Of course that ought to stop the quarrel. Liam knew Zayn was right. He was worried about the man, and being a hypocrite was his immediate response to it. He'd patted on Zayn's arm, hoping to get himself forgiven as they watched Louis pick the weed up and offer it to them.   
  
'Come on! Join me!' Louis exclaimed.  
  
Even if they wanted to, Liam would have to go back to his family at home and Zayn had ditched his girlfriend for their best friend. Niall could accompany him if he didn't sound like he had been swimming in a pool of liquor through the phone. If those two were reunited with their current state, who knows Harry would have to find another place to live?  
  
That was when Harry arrived at the front door, panting with water dripping from his entire being. His eyes widened at the sight, flinching at the scent and face full of questions for his friends.  
  
'Hey, raining outside?' Zayn called and Harry's eyebrows creased at the broken glass, the stainless steel on the floor.   
  
'What the fuck happened in here?' Harry shouted, furious.  
  
'Calm down, Harry. You remember when I said you had to talk to him about this shit and you completely disregarded it?' Zayn waved his arms around, 'Other shits happen when you do that.'  
  
'This is getting out of hand. Harry, you two have to settle this now. He fucking needs you, man. You two have to get it together and stop making us worry twenty-four seven about your well being for fuck's sake!' Liam added.  
  
A few soundly steps and Harry and Louis were once again faced with silence, only Louis' recurring snorts broke it once in a while. Harry was dumbfounded, he didn't know what he did or how his feelings were the source of all the mess in the room. But upon seeing his bestfriend wave his hand for him to sit on the couch Harry's expression softened and he sighed and obeyed. What could be bothering him now? It was Eleanor, it'd always been Eleanor.  
  
'Harry!'  
  
Harry cringed at the loud voice, rubbing the pinna of his ear and giving Louis an annoyed look. 'What?'  
  
'Harry, you're here!' Louis cried.  
  
'Yes where else would I be?'  
  
'Next to you, babe!'   
  
That nickname caused blood rushing through his vein and he blushed a million shades of red. It was one of the many reasons Harry never wanted to be around Eleanor; Louis had tons of those thrown at her. But now. Now, it was directed at him.   
  
Harry dishevelled his hair in depression. 'Lou, why are you like this? I thought I made it clear: no weed at the apartment! Not here, not anywhere!'  
  
Suddenly Louis face fell, his smile faltered. 'She's beautiful, huh, Harry.'  
  
Harry turned to look at the drunkard, face flushed with anger. 'The fuck, Louis. I get that you're in love with her, do you have to throw it on my face, you selfish bastard?'  
  
'No, you're in love with her,' Louis said, leaning in so his face was a few inches away from the taller guy. 'I'm in love with Eleanor. You're in love with her.'  
  
Harry watched carefully as Louis formed his words, his breath caused him to shiver, not due to the mixed scent of alcohol and plant but how warm it was against his skin. It took a second before he shifted his gaze from his lips to the blue eyes, those glassy blue eyes. Louis had been crying and the tears were again starting to form in those eyes. Why couldn't he see it? Why couldn't he hear what Louis wanted to say? And so what if he was indeed in love with Taylor, whom he realised Louis was referring to from the start? What did it have to do with Louis and why would he cry about it?  
  
And then he giggled. Louis fucking giggled into Harry's chest. He'd clutched on the wet white T under his jacket downwards, strong enough to show the birds.   
  
'You know, birds don't have eyebrows, you idiot,' Louis chuckled and kissed the bird on the left, 'how embarrassing.' He smiled when he replaced his lips with an ear and listened to Harry's heartbeat getting louder.  
  
Harry swallowed when Louis hummed.  
  
'Harry and the country queen, the teenage queen,' Louis sighed. 'Why can't you see? You belong with me,' he sang in a whisper.  
  
'Loubear, are you alright?' Harry's voice softened, there was definitely something bothering Louis. He'd never seen him this upset and Harry wanted to be there for him.  
  
'Of course I am,' Louis chuckled, 'I'm in love with Eleanor, why would I not be okay with you being in love with her?'  
  
'Then, why are you like this?' And he wasn't in love with anyone but him.   
  
Louis had pushed him by his chest, punching him weakly as he stares into his eyes with angry eyes. 'Because I'm in love with Eleanor, not you! You stupid idiot stop flattering yourself I am not in love with you!' The green eyes widened when he saw tears fall over Louis' cheeks. 'Why can't you see?' Louis sobbed. His thumb ghosted against Harry's chin before he pressed it, separating Harry's lips apart. His blue eyes scanned those plush lips as he neared his to them. 'I am not in love with you.'  
  
Their lips locked, and it took Harry a while before his lids slowly fell. He'd let Louis push himself against him so he could deepen the kiss. He'd let himself savour the moment when their lips moved in sync, the way Louis' hands sent electricity onto his neck, the way he moaned softly, the way he'd always imagined their kiss would be. He'd let Louis sandwich his hands in between their chests and pushed him further into the corner of the seat because they were so close, so close that Harry felt secure, so sure that Louis would never leave him again.   
  
Harry didn't mind the mixture of sweet and sour, the sweet bitterness, entering his mouth and he was in love. He was in love with the way Louis wet his lips, the way he stopped in intervals so their eyes could meet before he continued the kiss. The way Louis took his breath away into his throat, and his teeth dug into his lip. Harry was in love with everything that he did.  
  
After a few minutes, Louis pulled away, further than he had many times during their share, and he searched into Harry's gentle eyes for answers. His breath brushed against Harry's face when he sighed with a small smile. 'And you might not be in love with me, too.' He set his head on Harry's chest once again listening to the fast beating inside, smiling in happiness.  
  
Harry sighed, the lump in his throat never disappeared. He was this close with the love of his life, and he wrapped his arms around the small figure wishing they could stay like this and he didn't have to let go. He didn't want to face the pain tomorrow might bring. And now Louis was acting this way, he knew it hurt Louis more than Louis' fake relationship to him.   
  
That night, Harry let Louis fall asleep in his arms, where Louis should be, near to the place he was in Harry's heart.  
  
xxx  
  
It was morning the next day Louis opened his eyes and he was welcomed with a lavender smell and the coolness of the weather. He had hummed a melody as he awoke from his sweet, sweet dream where he was in Harry's warm embrace and snuggled into his chest. Now he was alone in the room of white and cream, and he realized Harry was nowhere around. The smell was calming, though, and it only happened when Harry was cleaning the apartment.   
  
The thought was answered when Harry entered the room with a huge smile and breakfast in his hands. 'Good morning!'  
  
He was happy, he was happy. What the hell happened last night? Well, he was happy today because he had the dream but why was Harry?   
  
Then, it clicked. His whole world suddenly turned upside down; the flowers in his heart wilted at his thoughts. Of course. Harry was with her last night, that was why he was so happy.  
  
'Morning,' Louis said, his smile darkened. He scooted to find a sitting position but failed when he felt a sting on his feet.  
  
Harry rushed to put the plate on the foot of the bed and help Louis. 'Does it still hurt?'  
  
'What is?' He wasn't sure if Harry meant his feet or his chest when he saw the red mark on Harry's lower lip. 'You had fun last night, huh?'  
  
Harry blushed at the comment, the scar on his lip that Louis had planted was hidden behind his thumb.  
  
'So it was more than paper planes and songs now?'  
  
This time, Harry's head snapped at Louis' direction, his face confused. 'What do you mean? Don't you remember what happened?'  
  
'Whatever, I'm tired, Haz. I'll listen to it some other time, 'kay?' Louis buried his face into the pillow, hiding the tears away from Harry's sight. It hurt so much. 'And I'm not hungry, thanks, yeah?' the muffled voice said.  
  
Their hearts were tied with marble string, constricting at each painful word they said, pulling their hearts and tearing them apart. Harry was crushed, his tears formed in his eyes but Louis couldn't see that could he now he was dipping the white case with his own? Why did it turn out like this? Why couldn't they say what they wanted to say and do what they should while both were sober? Harry pushed the plate aside, ceramic clattering all over the floor, and ran to slam the door shut before he walked to wherever he felt unhurt.   
  
What was he thinking anyway? Louis wouldn't settle for him, ever. Even if he could. Louis was on drugs, he was wasted, that kiss meant nothing. Nothing. But the flash of those blue orbs came to the back of his head, and they were pleading, for him to stay. Harry was his best friend, if anything Harry would know when Louis was telling the truth. And that moment they shared last night, the moment he had waited all the years. It was beautiful not to be true. Why was he crying? Heck, Louis did not cry, did he? Harry did not leave him crying did he? The pain that he felt when Eleanor was with Louis, it wasn't worse than how Louis felt when he was with Taylor was it? Louis was a mess ever since she came, he had cuts on his feet by his own act last night. And he fucking kissed him and made him the happiest man alive.  
  
For fuck's sake, Louis was a puzzle with questionable answers and Harry was sick of it. He stopped dead in his track and spun around to stomp his feet all the way back to their room. Louis was still there, pillow on his head, not moving a bit from when he left him. It was normal for Harry to force the pillow away from his face and pull Louis by the collar so he could see right into the blue eyes. He was right; Louis had been crying, his blue eyes wide with tears. And he could see the same for Harry's. No words.   
  
Harry's grip loosened on the shirt once he remembered Louis' state - the fact that he hadn't been eating normally, and he was weak. He was hurting; and it was all caused by Harry. He had been crying and it was all because of Harry. Those blue orbs were pleading again for him to listen. Why couldn't Harry listen? Why couldn't he understand his voice?  
  
'If you're in love with her, fucking tell her that. Don't torment me like this, I never want to hear that shit from you,' Harry muttered as he sniffed and Louis' tears kept falling. 'Stop hanging me by a thread. I'm not your puppet.'  
  
The fact was they were both puppets of the media, of their own feelings. Even if Harry had mutual feelings for him, Louis couldn't do anything about it. Even if Louis remembered the kiss, the fact that they expressed their feelings through it, Louis couldn't just admit to that and risk what they had now, their band's. Not that the others would mind, in fact they would be grateful about it. And he wasn't going to risk promising Harry to take care of his heart when he knew he couldn't. Just how much it would hurt Harry if he had to keep their feelings a secret? And how much would it pain Harry to see him with Eleanor when he said he loved only him?  
  
Louis forced a silent laugh, dry and cold. He was smirking but the humour didn't reach his eyes. 'How many times have I told you to not flatter yourself, Harry?' Only this time Harry wasn't fooled.  
  
'Then, I fucking hate you, too,' Harry hissed, the green orbs never tore away from the blue ones, 'and I am not going to wait for you. Ever.' Harry's brows rose in hope Louis got it. 'Ever.'  
  
Louis swallowed. His eyes searching into Harry's as he formed his next words. 'Then, don't wait. Because I'd never fall for you, not then, not now, not ever.'  
  
Tears continued to rush down their cheeks, drops on Louis' arms, drops on Harry's shirt and neither of them said a word. How Louis wanted to catch those puffy lips, to kiss those swollen eyes. How he wanted to tell Harry how much he loved him, how long he'd held it in him. How much his hands urged to wipe the tears off his face even though he needed it himself.   
  
He felt a tingling sensation on his skin when Harry leaned in so their foreheads touched. For a while, they stayed as they were without a single word.  
  
'Hey,' Harry muttered finally, sighing, 'We'll never get through this.'  
  
And Louis laughed softly, shaking both of them, which caused the younger one to open his eyes and smiled his dimpled smile. The blue ones followed a moment after.  
  
'Yeah, we'll never get through this.'  
  
The temptation; seeing his eyes wishing it was more than this, that he wished they didn't have to hold on any longer. That that was it. At last, Harry took a deep breath and broke their contact before he drowned into his attraction to the man.   
  
'Well, I'll see you later, yeah?' Harry said, rubbing the back of his neck.  
  
'Where are you going?' Louis said this so childishly as if he didn't want Harry to go, and Harry just wanted to cuddle him.  
  
'I promised to meet Taylor today,' Harry mumbled. He wasn't sure if this was the right time to bring up the name.  
  
'Oh...' Louis felt the familiar pain on his chest yet again. That's right. Nothing had changed. He had to accept that. After all, Harry had to suffer his time with Eleanor, wondering, worrying and it wasn't fair that he was blocking Harry's decision to date Taylor just because he was now facing that same suffering. Harry's decision, the management's, didn't matter; it all seemed blurry to him now. So, with his cloudy vision, he put on a smile. 'Alright. Then, buy my favourite for two,' he just had to, 'Eleanor's coming over.' Because he didn't want to suffer alone. And Harry didn't miss that glare Louis had given him, just like Louis didn't miss the lump in Harry's throat move up and down.  
  
Much to his surprise, Harry was smiling. Whether it was a sad or truthful smile, it was a smile of approval. He nodded and left, only to let another round of his tears out on his way to the company.  
  
xxx  
  
The day went by a little quicker than it had yesterday. Harry was in the living room, streaming to a few fan videos of him and Louis compiled, to what they referred as 'proof' or 'clues'. It was the only time Harry could watch them when Louis wasn't home; confusing as he did say Eleanor was going to drop by. If anything, Harry was the one who banned himself from the apartment for today. That changed when he saw the small note on their fridge telling him Louis was going for a walk, not forgetting to put the word 'alone' at the end of it. Seemed like he was giving Harry's heart a break, even if it was a lie, Harry chose to trust him.   
  
He'd clicked on the link where Louis was answering questions about Taylor and though it sounded mean, it felt nice that he could now see the jealousy in Louis' tone when he said Taylor and Harry were just 'good friends'. Or when he noticed the sarcasm when Louis said he'd love to know about his thoughts about Taylor right after Harry butted in the question that was intended for Louis in the first place. It made him feel Louis did feel what he felt. For once, he wanted to enjoy it. Taylor was a good friend to him, though. The gossip going on about him and her was somehow an inside joke for him and Niall, for whatever reason that was. Sometimes Harry wasn't even sure why he found it amusing.  
  
Tonight was a different feeling for Harry. He was smiling to himself, proud of what he'd done. And even though he knew the feeling will only stay until he heard Eleanor's name fall out of Louis' mouth or if the couple had to show their relationship off to public again, or if Eleanor simply wanted to hang out, he was going to enjoy every bit of it. Harry felt accomplishments whenever he did something for Louis, because except for the fact that he couldn't break the contract with Eleanor, Louis had always been there for him, defending him at any case, caring for him and jumping in to save his pride as he couldn't do that himself. It was like his natural instinct to protect Harry whenever people tried to take his kindness for granted.  
  
Now, Harry was sacrificing for his favourite man. Harry was ready for his sorrow so Louis didn't have to face the same fear of him falling for someone else, so Louis didn't have to feel the same endless pain Harry felt whenever Eleanor was next to Louis or whenever Louis mentioned he was going out with her. No, Harry loved him too much to let him experience those things. Even if he had to suffer for a million years, he'd rather die of it than taking Louis with him. He loved him too much to let that happen.   
  
'Hey,' he heard the door close and Harry immediately exited his internet browser.  
  
'Lou!' Harry exclaimed happily, following Louis' movement as he approached the sofa and plopped down. 'You're back! Eaten?'  
  
'Yeah, stopped by Zayn's and he made you this,' Louis set the plastic bag of dinner on top of the coffee table.  
  
'Smells nice,' Harry cooed.  
  
Louis watched as Harry dug into the bag, uncovering the top lid of the container and clapped his hands at the creaminess inside.   
  
'Haz,' Louis called softly and Harry turned his head at him. 'That Parma ham. She was right. It was something special.'  
  
Harry stared at him for a bit before flashing a shy smile. 'I know.'  
  
'I heard about it.' He was referring to the break-up. 'Why did you-'  
  
'It wasn't for you. Some things are just not meant to be,' Harry said softly, poking his food with the fork. 'After all, she was kind of clingy.'  
  
'You're clingy.' Louis was smiling now. He only patted the curls when Harry pouted his lips at him. 'To me you are. And I love that about you. No matter how big you'll grow, you'll always be the little spoon to me.'  
  
Harry nodded, his face flushed.   
  
'Anyway, I'm sorry it didn't work out. And it'd be hell drama with her fans and songs.'  
  
'It'll be fine. Any rumour would fade unless it's true.'   
  
They smiled at each other, waiting for the moment to pass although they both knew they never wanted it. Louis had patted Harry's lap before he stood up.  
  
'Okay, I'm going to bed. You enjoy your dinner.'  
  
If only life wasn't cruel, they would let that moment continue for as long as they lived. And one day, they could. They would.   
  
''Kay, sweetdreams.'  
  
One day, they wouldn't have to follow the thread, they wouldn't have to please the media. One day, they would be next to each other again, doing things they should've done, saying things they wanted to say.  
  
'And Harry?'  
  
'Yeah?'  
  
It could take years, it could take a lifetime. Maybe, just maybe, in another life, it would be fair to them.  
  
'Thank you.'  
  
And maybe then Harry could make that beautiful smile stay.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry spare me I've at least made it a bit happier than I initially planned bc I can't take the pain of the original one I made. thank you for reading


End file.
